When things falls apart

Fell asleep from the sound of my dreams being crushed into thousand pieces..woke up this morning from a nightmare which turned into reality as i started to understand that I was awake and no longer asleep. got nobody to blame but myself.. my strength and condition was  better than ever..however.the fight started way earlier than July 31..

no details about my personal life and struggle now.. shit happens. Im responsible for my own choices..and also the consequences that are following with them..

Its gonna be really hard to get back on track after this.. just the thought of returning back to Norway is giving me a cold chill down the spine.

I feel ashamed for those who believed in me, for my friends  and family  , for my teammates because they always been supporting me..letting me be apart of the team ..and not to mention Joachim who spent so much time, money and given so much of himself to train me and given me a chance to do this..

 I was really happy to see Roxy again, and the people from AACC..not to mention hanging out with Sean again as well ..they are all people who really inspired me in so many positive ways..Im just sad I couldn’t hang on to that good energy when I went back to Norway.

this is all i got. The only reason why i get out of bed each morning is because of training..the thought of improving, getting better,stronger and closer to where I wanna be. When people ask me what i do for fun ..the answer is always the same ‘ training.

fighting.

I can’t find a balance right now.. I really don’t want to give up..but right now I can’t find a reason to continue either..

I hope that when the time is right …I ll get a new chance for a third battle against nagano.. she now fought me as @a person who are on her way of finding a balance@ and  me as a person totally loosing it..

yet the best to come..in the future.

DREAM 14.. on my way back to Norway

7 hours untill Im in Vienna, before transfering to another flight ..and go back to Norway.

Im really tired from the last week, its been emotional and intense in different ways.

DREAM 14 had one of the most exciting fightcard so far, however it didnt really turn out the way I hoped. Joachim did an awesome fight untill Takaya caught him with a right and from there followed up with a hook which made joachim fall.. Thats MMA..even the best fighter can lose the fight..

the margin in MMA is so small, and the exchange of punches this time was in advantage to Takaya. He is still one of my fav. fighters, with a strong mind and courage most people only can imagine..

He’ll be back

I was sad that Mach lost to Nick Diaz..I’m usually cheering for Diaz but since he was fighting MAch there was no doubt who I wanted to win.

I dont know what to do when I get back to Norway..give it one or two days and go to the gym… keep on training my strength and condition as well as my striking and groundgame.

Keep my focus on my next fight, I  know that my next opponent will be a tough one..so therefore I need to prepare and come out even tougher..

If anybody is interested here is an interview I did after my fight in Jewels:

http://www.japan-mma.com/2010/05/celine-haga-interview.html

:D

Words cant explain how I feel.

Im so happy, I actually thought that I would never experience to win a fight ever…after my last loss in jewels in May…

I finally could go home after the fight not feeling ashamed and afraid to look people in their eyes.

For the first time I could wake up the next day without feeling empty inside of me..without the cruel anxiety eating me up from the inside

..

For one year have I spent so much time ,money , energy on my fights..and Ive been defeated over and over again.. Ive traveled around to the otehrside of the earth being humiliated, knocked down and tapped out ..But finally this is happening..

I dont remember so much from the fight..I just dedcided to have fun with it this time..

Be a fighter who followed my own insticts during the fight, enjoy each second, and at the sae time release some of the energy and aggression inside of me. I decided to become violent by design…

Ive dedicated my heart and soul to this sport..My emotions are defined by this game..

However, This victory did strengthen something inside of me..Im more confident and even more obsessed of improving my striking as well as groundgame..not even to mention clinch!

It was one of the happies moment in my life, but now I have to move on…focus on next training session, next fight. It looks like I have a new fight within 2months..and Im already getting ready for it now. Either loss or win.. it is now in the past..and I need to focus on the present ( the training now) and keep my mind on whats next..Because I know that this is only the beginning..and it is now I really got to start working hard.

some thoughts..

We are born into this world alone, and we are leaving this world alone..but not necessary without people around us.

,Our soul and heart, our thoughts and feelings are individual, they can be explained and almost but not fully understood by any other than ourselves,,

We will always meet people who are either helping us in the right direction, expanding our knowledge and understanding , feeding our soul with wisdom , confidence, love and  helping us see what we might not always are able to see ourselves.

But when the moment of truth is arriving…which it will again and again..the only person you really got is yourself.  Our thoughts and perception of things , situations, people ..is individual..we have the choice to be independent..free thinkers..

The same in Mixed MartialArts, it is an individual sport, but who would ever become a fighter without a coach, trainer, training partners.. fans or friends.These people can learn you techniques, help you with your stamina and strength and confidence..but when standing in the ring it is all up to you how you chose to put it together..You need to rely on yourown reflections and insticts..and how to put everything together ..

I believe that each and one of us have fully responsibility for ourselves, our selfishness is our strength not a weakness, Like most powerful things in the world, ex a political view : socialism, communism or  religion (in any form)  the idea is good, as long as it won’t be abused.

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Iwant to write a little bit about this..because I think this is really important to be reminded of..To be free and independent. We can be, but few of us are. Most people are reproducing a feeling which have been designed for them to feel..often by a company (who are trying to sell products…all those commercial making you feel the cravings for a new drink or chocolate or maybe the need of having a new car??) or massmedia who want to sell more papers,get more viewers etc ( war against terror, swineflu epidemic..etc.. FEAR-be afraid propaganda) These big companies know how powerful the human mind is and therefore they aim at our feelings to  control our perception of the world, of our life…

Anyway I just wanted to write a few sentences about this..because the definition of a human being is equal to being an individual…an to be an individual it is important to release the mind from whatever tries to keep you away from being a free thinker..

“Dream as if you’ll live forever, live as if you’ll die today.”

Today I had lunch with Nicholas Pettas, who I met for the first time 2 years ago in Shibuya in the event called Smokers. (I actually competed and  even more surprisingly won), I  havent seen Nicholas since then, but since he is a common friend of Sean and me ..we were able to hook up again..I had a great time ,  thats a person who got a lot of experience and knowledge about those things Im seeking for.

After our lunch I went to the movie theater with my friend Torbjorn and we watched The clash of the Titans..
it reminded me of a longlasting preview for a PC or PS3 game… or as I told Torbjorn if this movie was animated instead ..it would easily been a movie i would enjoy when i was 12 years old..Again..a movie with so much potential..but instead it ended up like a B-movie …anyway I was amused every now and then..but I doubt that Ill ever rent this on DVD..(or even bother to  download it from thepiratebay..)

only a few days left untill thoughts and abilities are put into action

The last 7 weeks have been interesting in os many ways, Ive increased my understanding of how to train more sportspecific , and  in simple words..just more intelligent way of training.
Ive  pushed myself harder than before, shorten the time of each  ,   the intensity. Ive trained with new people who was able to help me with the flaws in my game , both when it comes to my striking and my ground game.
Ive spent half of my time here with Roxanne : who became one of my best friends in really short time, she learned me to adapt to the stress and brawling which often appears in fights (especially womens mma in my opinion), and she she became the girl friend i missed (somebody I could train with, go to lunch with and!  talking about things that both of us had in common : mma/trainion etc) Evcen though we are very different as persons we are also so much alike, and I know she is a person I always gonna have a strong friendship with.

the rest of my time here in japan was spent in Moriya, with Sean and his family..and have been nothing ..not even close to what I expected . Not only have Sean been one of the most inspiring striking/strength-conditioning trainer I ever met, but he also became a good friend of mine on a whole different  level than I ever could imagine . He is 20 years older than me , but still I can relate more to him than most people at my own age, he made me find back to who I used to be…
He and his family gave me a room in their house, gave me food, helped me with diet and training and made me feel like apart of their family- Im so thankful ..words can’t even explain.

the last 15 years of my life have people been calling me crazy,weird , nuts..whatever.. but to be honest I think it is essential to be crazy in this even more crazy insane world..to stay awake ..to be able to enjoy those opportunities life got ready for you.
I believe that doing any form of sport is the best type of therapy for what so ever..either it is depression,aggression, frustration etc.  I think it is important that we get a chance to “play” even though we grow up, ..people sometimes ask me  how I got time to train so much.. then i ask them : how do you got time to watch  “survivor” “24  or any other tv show every day?
.I m not rich nor wealthy in any way.. I just decided to  spend the money on healthy food, nutrition instead of alcohol,  training centers instead of  entrance fee to the nightclubs.. sneakers to run in instead of  high heels , a trip back n forth to japan is about 100 000 yen.. and im sure that most people at my age easily spend that amount on clothes and alcohol within one month.. ..again it is all about priority..
I ve had to quit my job over and over again ( good jobs with good salery..and flexible times), Ive lost friends (because i had no longer time to hang out with them and keep up the relation..because of training), I lost my chance to get a degree ()because my final exam was on the day as I was offered fight..and guess what i chose to do..) and Ive been putting  relationships in risk because of training…

and the best thing : I don’t regret anything.. (because my real friends are still there after all, and those things )Ive experienced, seen, heard, learned are things money not necessarily can buy..)
I found my way.. and all i know is that nothing can stop me now..

I won the battle inside of me..finally.

so far , so good :D

Beenn in Moriya for 2 weeks now!
Ive been working on my Cardio (sprint training with Sean..which almost killed me..honestly!)
Went to Machdojo and did some mma sparring, and  to AACC to do some striking sparring..but most of the time have been spent here in Moriya , training with Sean and Miyata.
I ve had great preparations for this fight.. not only good training, but a lot of positive energy and support from good friends.
Im so excited for this fight, words  cant explain, only my vicious thoughts of how i want to beat up Nagano.
Everything is great right now! Im in perfect harmony with myself, not overtrained, not depressed or concerned about anything..im just enjoying my life, appeciating the moment,.

The fight is only one week away!!! but Ive been in Japan almost 7 weeks now..even though it is my 6th time visiting Japan ..this visit have been different in many ways!  I would never thought that I was gonna meet so special people here..who totally changed my life and reminded me how good life actually is. Im so thankful.

Today : I did do some weight training and a 6 km run…resting now and then getting ready to train some wrestling with Miyata before we are going to bathhouse and relax:D
Yesterday: Met Roxanne (hadntseen her for 2 weeks!! !! ) We went to Jonathans, had lunch, then we went to a game arcade /haunted house ..
As ALWAYS ..i had a great time hanging with her again
Sean gave me a book called infinite possibilities which Im almost halfway through.. it didnt really give me any new ideas, it only gave me a wake up call..and fortified the good energy which is already present at the moment..
However, I believe our  many long conversations are the reason why Im feeling great again..Sean is without a doubt a person who given me a lot of inner strenght

“The mind is its own place, and in itself, can make heaven of Hell, and a hell of Heaven.”

My last 4 days have been super great.. Ive been staying in Moriya ca 30 min outside Tokyo in my friend Seans house. Spending time with him and his family have been have been awesome! They have been so nice to me, given me own room, homemade food, helping me with my diet, with my training and given me a lot of soulfood

Today I did some training in the park , hitting mits..working my cardio..and I never been so tired all my life!!I thought i had done some hard rounds on mits before…but forget it! this was the worst ever!!!And i LOVED IT!

Yesterday did we go to Brave gym, and I did some grappling with Miyata..it was such a great time..looking forward to go back  on tuesday

The last month here in Japan is without a question the best time I ever had all my life. I had a lots of good training sessions,’Ive experienced so much fun..and I met people who maybe without even knowing it have already changed my life!

I m feelingso much love and respect for many of the people Ive been lucky to meet, and Im so blessed with all the good energy which is surrounding me nowadays..

Im looking so much forward to fight.. Inside of my heart Im already feel like a winner and nothing can change that feeling now.

“the greatest ignorance is to reject something you know nothing about”

Sometimes I wonder…:

how can there be emptiness.

if i got a particle , the possibility to divide it will always be there. Even the smallest atom can be divided again and again (reverse the infinity..endless can go both ways obviously?)   .If I can’t imagine how small the smallest can be…how can i ever understand how large the largest can be..(having  “the universe” in my mind)…

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Ive spent the last days hanging out with one of my best friends Choko ..training at AACC, doing some weightlifting..and I went to akihabara again, playing some more Tekken..checkingout a few shops.  Torbjorn and I actually found a weapon and military effects shop.they had * anime doll with weapon accessories..  and ofcourse  cartoons about rabbits with weapon,  a lots stuff with swastika on it..ehm…and camo clothes with german flag on etc..

Yesterday I moved to Moriya, going to stay here as long as Roxys mom is visiting Japan.
Sean ,his Wife and daughter have given me a bed to sleep in got (own room) , helped me with diet (Sean makes delicious food)  and given me so much good energy!! Im going to spend the next week training with Sean and Miyata at brave gym..doing some preparation for my upcoming fight against Nagano.

I’ve been talking about mismatching earlier,… however this time Jewels gave me a chance to choose opponent ..and I had only one fighter in mind : Nagano.
According to my rec vs her rec I m the definition of underdog in this fight, however I got several reasons why I chose her…which I will mention later on..One thing is 100% I wouldn’t chose her as an opponent if I didn’t believe that I could actually beat her.

Time will tell, I feel comfortable with this match-up, I don’t know how much I have grown  as an athlete since my  last fight , but something has changed:  my mind is finally in balance, my heart and spirit is stronger than ever  and Im loaded up with good energy and vibes from those people who I care about and respect…and the obsession I got for this fight ,,,my hunger for a victory… Is so strong..and intense  !

Sony Building and Akihabara..

after three days away from the gym I was so happy to be back. I went for morning training , did some grappling and kickboxing .. !

Then Torbjorn and I went out for lunch before we visited Ginza and the Sony Building:

I was amused by the 3D effects this time.. hehe.

Wondering how much time people are spending infront of the tell-a-vision in the future?!?! kind a scary to think about..

Did some PS3 gaming, and tested some really niiice cameras as well

Then off to Akihabara to spend money on useless machines..trying to grab hold of plushes..The most entertaining was actually the Arcade game Tekken! I loved it, untill I played agains some random japanese geek who obviosuly had super skillz, and made me pay way too much just to get beat up again and again!

If you don’t know where you are going, any road will get you there.”

If you don’t know where you are going, any road will get you there.” quote from the cat in Alice in Wonderland..

Yesterday I woke up with a sore throat and headache..and it wont go away!!! I might be a little bit overtrained again, as my body is constantly hurting and shaking when im laying down.. So I ve been forced to spend two days doing nothing.. The training have been good since I came to Japan , Morning and night training on mon,tue,thu. And only night training Or morning training the other days..Ive gotten stronger , and my stamina is better than before. Ive learned some more wrestling , things that I hope will improve my takedowns ..some new combinations and stuff for my striking.. Im very satisfied with the training here so far. However, the most important aspect of this trainingcamp…got to be the psychological aspect, my mental preparations for a hopefully next fight. Ive gained a lot of confidence, and inner strength.. My personal problems outside the gym have faded away mainly because I ve manage to focus more on training, friends and those things who keeps me smiling, not those who makes me sad.

This week so far has been good..I met Torbjorn from Sweden and I brought him with me to AACC on tuesday..The plan is to spend the day with him tomorrow and then go to the AACC for night training..BJJ/SW .
I went to the movie theater today with Roxy, we watched Alice in Wonderland.
I m not a big fan of 3D effects yet.. The movie was ok, nothing more nothing less..sadly enough because it had so much potential ! Seems like nowadays the effort is put into the special effects, the visual…and the script,storyline is a second priority..or something..

THE RABBITHOLE..
so what is the rabbit hole?????????
Is it a gateway out of the illusion we define as reality? Is it when we are able to expand our minds a little bit further? In this case Alice ran away from a fancy party after a the son of a Lord is asking her to be his finance, everybody is expecting her to say yes as they are sure she wants to secure her reputation as well as financial situation. Instead Alice chose  to run away..
In the beginning Alice is worried about having the same dreams again and again, she is asking her dad if she has turned completely mad? her dad tells her that the most amazing people in the world usually are (mad).
I like how Alice mother is telling  her in the beginning of the movie  that she need to wear the corset because that’s whats everyboy else is using. Alice explained that she doesn’t like going with everyone else. She then asks that if the norm were to wear a codfish on one’s head, would her mother do so. She says that the corset is the same as the codfish.

Who define whats an illusion, a dream or reality ?  It is what our minds want to believe or chose to belive that becomes our reality. An example is the poem  about the Jabberwocky. A nonsense poem using words which really isnt really words but still makes sense.  Which I truly reflect the Wonderland.

When thinking about the two different worlds compare to eachother, the one Alice ran away from and the Wonderland, which one makes more sense?  Everything we do feel and see..our capture of existence is whatever our brain is telling us  to feel or see.  Same as when we dream…cause the dream is only a product of our brains creativity and memory..?!

All signals goes through our brain before we are able of feeling any emotion , pain , etc…..even the things we are smelling, watching etc are just a result of what our brain wants us to ..

..I did anyway find the story interesting as I kind a let my mind go crazy and trying to analyze the different characters and scenes in the movie..

I just want to end this blog with a quote from the movie which I enjoyed..  :

“Nothing was ever accomplished with tears.”